Get A Load Of This Winner Who Tried To Kiss A Venomous Snake On The Mouth

Take One Fucking Guess Where – One Florida man learned the hard way that water moccasins do not make the best kissing partners. According to Fox 13, 18-year-old Austin Hatfield of Wimauma was hospitalized last Saturday after being bitten by a cottonmouth while attempting to kiss it. Friends said that Hatfield had captured the snake from his girlfriend’s yard several days before and was keeping it in a pillowcase. Hatfield occasionally took the snake out to kiss it on the mouth, but on Saturday, the snake decided to end the relationship. “He took it out, put it on his chest and it jumped up and got him,” said Jason Belcher, who witnessed the attack. “He ripped it off his face, threw it on the ground and he started swelling up immediately. It was pretty frightening.” The 18-year-old was transported to Tampa General Hospital’s emergency room in critical condition, but doctors have since said that he is expected to recover.

Just when you think the Sunshine State couldn’t out-Florida itself anymore, you get this champion of Darwin. I can’t even comprehend how this guy is a product of 4.5 billion years of evolution*. It just seems like if Darwin was correct there would be at least a generation or 40 of his ancestors that didn’t make the cut. I mean, there’s stupidity, then there’s kissing a venomous snake on the mouth levels of retardation. What was this guy’s encore? Headbutting a hornets nest? Teabagging a great-white? Fucking a plugged-in toaster in the shower? TBH, none of those situations would shock me after hearing this story. Also, it’s comforting to know I can’t hold down a woman for the life of me and this guy makes out with reptiles on the regular yet still has a girlfriend. Must be one classy gal.

*Pugs fall in that category, too. The fact those toys with heartbeats evolved directly wolves is mind-bottling.